You're a womanizer and a bitch.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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