He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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