the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize