Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
