i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
