Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
