I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
