I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
