capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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