I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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