I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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