so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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