He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
