Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
