fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
