I'm passing your future prison.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
