i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Randomize
