I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
