she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
