I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
