umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
