why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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