Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Who died my cat blue again?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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