Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
