I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
