mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
my poor anus
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
