I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
