Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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