Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
