I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
