I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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