"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
