This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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