there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
