Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
