eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
