she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
