You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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