i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
