I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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