remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
