i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
