insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize