If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
