I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
