Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
