Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
