It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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