the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
