I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dear god my vagina.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
