ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
