Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
