Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
