omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
