i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
