when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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