I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Ladies don't puke and tell
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
