I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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